Couples - What do you fight about most?

[ckelly78z]

My DW is an animal lover, and seems to think I am also. 4 dogs, 2 cats, and a parrot in the house can become frantic at times. I would be fine with no birds, no cats, and 1 dog. She also has a barn full of horses, donkeys, barn cats, guinea fowl, chickens, and ducks. The outside birds are all free range, and usually are making a mess, or excessive noise.

 

[Breedlove]

Sex , used to be lots now much less . also she says since I retired I have turned into a smartass and like to argue . I think she has lost her sense of fun and enjoyment of life . Although she still works a couple days a week …...she won't fully retire .

 

[JoeWras]

lso she says since I retired I have turned into a smartass and like to argue

I've seen it mentioned here a few times, and it has happened in my own life. Sarcasm can be a point of contention.

I'm generalizing, but I think the sexes don't agree too well on the beauty and joy in sarcasm. (See, that was a little sarcastic. ) I've had to dial mine back. It's fine, no problem. Every now and then I make a really sarcastic utterance, usually about something we or her are doing. I think it is the best joke ever. DW does not agree.

 

[Nemo2]

Sarcasm can be a point of contention.

Oh yeah, that's easy for you to say.

 

[candrew]

And after countless attempts over more than 4 decades, DW remains unsatisfied with my performance.

From The Marriage Kama Sutra:

 

[Amethyst]

If I have to choose, I prefer open, honest anger, to using sarcasm to attack someone without having to admit one is angry (which is how I view sarcasm). I have a relative who takes great pride in being "fluent in sarcasm." It just means that when she is angry, she interprets everything people say in the worst possible light and feeds that back to them.

Irony and wry humor are great, but sarcasm is just mean. With a person trying to snag credit for cleverness, on top of it.

For the record, I did not think your sentence was sarcastic at all. It wasn't aimed at anybody in particular and wasn't meant to hurt. I would put it in the "droll" category.

I've seen it mentioned here a few times, and it has happened in my own life. Sarcasm can be a point of contention.

I'm generalizing, but I think the sexes don't agree too well on the beauty and joy in sarcasm. (See, that was a little sarcastic. ) I've had to dial mine back. It's fine, no problem. Every now and then I make a really sarcastic utterance, usually about something we or her are doing. I think it is the best joke ever. DW does not agree.

 

[Winemaker]

Sarcasm can be a point of contention.

Sarcasm is one of my greatest management tools in mega corp. DW knows this, and is impervious to any of my dripping comments.

 

[Lawrencewendall]

I guess I'm odd. I hardly ever catch sarcasm. I tend to take things at face value. DW asks me if I caught the sarcasm, which I didn't. Life is too short to decipher intentions/meanings. Whatever.

 

[Amethyst]

Well then, I'm odd too. I'm the one who asks what somebody meant, or if they really meant to say that, only to get the supercilious "I was being sarcastic."

I used to think the other person was right, and I was too dumb to understand. Now I realize I just don't have any desire to play other people's games.

I guess I'm odd. I hardly ever catch sarcasm. I tend to take things at face value. DW asks me if I caught the sarcasm, which I didn't. Life is too short to decipher intentions/meanings. Whatever.

 

[Nemo2]

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/the-science-of-sarcasm-yeah-right-25038/

Actually, scientists are finding that the ability to detect sarcasm really is useful. For the past 20 years, researchers from linguists to psychologists to neurologists have been studying our ability to perceive snarky remarks and gaining new insights into how the mind works. Studies have shown that exposure to sarcasm enhances creative problem solving, for instance. Children understand and use sarcasm by the time they get to kindergarten. An inability to understand sarcasm may be an early warning sign of brain disease.

Sarcasm detection is an essential skill if one is going to function in a modern society dripping with irony. “Our culture in particular is permeated with sarcasm,” says Katherine Rankin, a neuropsychologist at the University of California at San Francisco. “People who don’t understand sarcasm are immediately noticed. They’re not getting it. They’re not socially adept.”

 

[Lienlord]

DW and I often disagree on if what I say is sarcasm (her) or humor (me). For instance, during a disagreement, she might say, "I can't take much more of this!", to which I'd say, "That's what she said!".

 

[JoeWras]

DW and I often disagree on if what I say is sarcasm (her) or humor (me). For instance, during a disagreement, she might say, "I can't take much more of this!", to which I'd say, "That's what she said!".

This! And we'd think we are being funny and disarming the argument, you know, adding some humor to it all.

However, our DWs might take it as just the opposite, and even consider it an escalation.

 

[Amethyst]

If I'm honestly unhappy and the other person is flippant, it will make me angry. Being flippant will make most people angry, I have found.

DW and I often disagree on if what I say is sarcasm (her) or humor (me). For instance, during a disagreement, she might say, "I can't take much more of this!", to which I'd say, "That's what she said!".

 

[JoeWras]

If I'm honestly unhappy and the other person is flippant, it will make me angry. Being flippant will make most people angry, I have found.

Well, I have learned with DW to not attempt any humor in these cases, and I understand.

I should know better. In college, I had a group of friends, and one friend literally could never give you a straight answer. Every reply had to be a joke, sarcastic, flippant, you name it. It drove me crazy. So, yeah, it can really piss you off.

 

[Lawrencewendall]

"Actually, scientists are finding that the ability to detect sarcasm really is useful. For the past 20 years, researchers from linguists to psychologists to neurologists have been studying our ability to perceive snarky remarks and gaining new insights into how the mind works. Studies have shown that exposure to sarcasm enhances creative problem solving, for instance. Children understand and use sarcasm by the time they get to kindergarten. An inability to understand sarcasm may be an early warning sign of brain disease.

Sarcasm detection is an essential skill if one is going to function in a modern society dripping with irony. “Our culture in particular is permeated with sarcasm,” says Katherine Rankin, a neuropsychologist at the University of California at San Francisco. “People who don’t understand sarcasm are immediately noticed. They’re not getting it. They’re not socially adept.”"

INTJ all the way!

 

[Rianne]

I've seen it mentioned here a few times, and it has happened in my own life. Sarcasm can be a point of contention.

And it can prove a point, like I am right. A recent grocery store event, where DH went waltzing around checking out cracker labels, if they had a certain soup in stock...while I was finished checking out at the check out counter. He had the wallet and there were people behind me with carts full of groceries. I had to go to customer service and have his name announced over the loud speaker. He was insulted that I had him announced and a disagreement ensued.

The sarcasm part entered the picture when I said "the louder you talk, the truer it is." He agreed, without thinking about what I just said. So we don't listen to each other either. The love of my life.

 

[Amethyst]

I used to leave the room when That Guy came in (it was always a guy). Under all that forced "humor" was always a smelly, burning pile of hostility.

Years later, you meet their ex-wives and find out how mean they can really be.

The one exception was a "funny guy" whom I got fairly close to. He could be very funny and then he'd go into sarcasm mode. One time he confessed to me that he'd been bullied all through school, up to and including sexual assault, and the sarcasm etc. was his way of fending off his feelings of anger and helplessness. I hope he got help. I do know he ended up marrying a nice woman almost 40 years ago, and they are still together.

I should know better. In college, I had a group of friends, and one friend literally could never give you a straight answer. Every reply had to be a joke, sarcastic, flippant, you name it. It drove me crazy. So, yeah, it can really piss you off.

 

[Amethyst]

Irony, or "the unexpected," covers a lot of ground. There are many kinds of ironic humor that are illuminating, but not necessarily painful. Maybe a small jab at someone's expense, but nothing that dismisses that other person outright, ignores their point of view, or attacks their soft spots.

That something is "part of a culture" doesn't make it a good thing. Sarcasm is meant to hurt.

Sarcasm detection is an essential skill if one is going to function in a modern society dripping with irony. “Our culture in particular is permeated with sarcasm,” says Katherine Rankin, a neuropsychologist at the University of California at San Francisco. “People who don’t understand sarcasm are immediately noticed. They’re not getting it. They’re not socially adept.”"

INTJ all the way!

 

[HFWR]

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/rules-for-couples

Rule 1: "You can only yell at me for one thing at a time."

Yep, staying silent, then unloading every grievance...

 

[Nemo2]

 

[michelek]

The biggest disagreements come around what to keep and what to throw away/ donate as we get close to downsizing. It can get downright nasty regarding 40 year old possessions that have never seen the light of day since we acquired them. Help me Marie Kondo!!!

 

[2017ish]

We don't.

This is us. One exception. January 1980, at my 20th birthday party, we were really stoned and drunk and future DW got ticked off at me. Neither of us remember why (other than our conditions!)

Otherwise, we occasionally may disagree, but typically tend to just go with who cares the most about that topic. (FWIW, we had joint accounts/finances since 1983, and for all but about 4-5 years, she was primary wage earner.)

 

[Amethyst]

He does sound rather "unaware of others" (as we used to put it at work), but I also didn't understand your remark. The louder he talks, the truer it is that he's wrong and you're right?

And it can prove a point, like I am right. A recent grocery store event, where DH went waltzing around checking out cracker labels, if they had a certain soup in stock...while I was finished checking out at the check out counter. He had the wallet and there were people behind me with carts full of groceries. I had to go to customer service and have his name announced over the loud speaker. He was insulted that I had him announced and a disagreement ensued.

The sarcasm part entered the picture when I said "the louder you talk, the truer it is." He agreed, without thinking about what I just said. So we don't listen to each other either. The love of my life.

 

[Rianne]

He does sound rather "unaware of others" (as we used to put it at work), but I also didn't understand your remark. The louder he talks, the truer it is that he's wrong and you're right?

Thanks, makes me feel good when I'm quoted. That statement itself, had nothing to do with right or wrong, I was right. But, his response in the car was him trying to convince me he was right, thus his voice got louder and louder as I sat there knowing I was right. My sarcastic statement was meant to jolt him into realizing his loud voice made what he was saying was true.

Have you ever spoken to a person who does not understand English very well? And somehow, if you talk louder they will understand what you're saying? There's my sarcasm.

 

[HFWR]

I got a new guitar for my wife.

Pretty good trade, eh?