pacergal
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Agree.
Getting depressed about illnesses and deaths
- Thread starter Scuba
- Start date
Agree.
aja8888
Moderator Emeritus
One thing about getting much older is you never even think to look at Firecalc at all. Too much other stuff gets in the way.
We had a derivative experience in 2003... that years wave of Christmas cards were full of sudden divorces, cancer, etc. Triggered us to "do it now" vs. putting off a cross-country motorcycle trip. The mindset didn't last all that long but we got the trip done in Sept 2004.
This year it was a close friend who had to put his wife of 40+ years into memory care because she woke up one day and didn't know who he was and what he was doing in her house and demanding to know where her husband was.
It's going to come in waves. The dates in the obits are going to appear younger and younger as we approach those ages. The list of dead class mates gets longer at every reunion. You realize that you don't need to buy furniture or vehicles that are going to last 30 years any more (or bond maturities). My spreadsheet starts showing single digit years remaining until "old age" milestones like Medicare or SS start.
As a kid I never recognized the mindset until now behind a joke my grandpa used to tell about getting up every morning to read the obituaries to see if his was published in order to determine if he should make coffee or not.
Easier said than done, but there is no point in wasting what little time is left on something that can't be changed. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
This year it was a close friend who had to put his wife of 40+ years into memory care because she woke up one day and didn't know who he was and what he was doing in her house and demanding to know where her husband was.
It's going to come in waves. The dates in the obits are going to appear younger and younger as we approach those ages. The list of dead class mates gets longer at every reunion. You realize that you don't need to buy furniture or vehicles that are going to last 30 years any more (or bond maturities). My spreadsheet starts showing single digit years remaining until "old age" milestones like Medicare or SS start.
As a kid I never recognized the mindset until now behind a joke my grandpa used to tell about getting up every morning to read the obituaries to see if his was published in order to determine if he should make coffee or not.
Easier said than done, but there is no point in wasting what little time is left on something that can't be changed. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
I'm working on staying engaged and in the present without the need for constant activities such as traveling, interacting with people we love, projects, sports, etc., which someday will be taken from us bit by bit.
There are deeper levels of being in the present that offer freedom from the depression we may feel when we consider the limitations of our existence. These can be realized through meditation, which lets you experience the moment in increasing degrees of freedom from the limited interpretations of our brains and bodies. It does typically take a fairly intense and prolonged effort though, but doesn't necessarily require complete withdrawal from one's usual activities. And just a taste of it is enough to show how limited our interpretations of reality are, even in our moments of joy and triumph. There is something much bigger.
Whatever depends on conditions will pass, and I find it very interesting and invigorating to get a sense of what's beyond dwelling on conditions.
There are deeper levels of being in the present that offer freedom from the depression we may feel when we consider the limitations of our existence. These can be realized through meditation, which lets you experience the moment in increasing degrees of freedom from the limited interpretations of our brains and bodies. It does typically take a fairly intense and prolonged effort though, but doesn't necessarily require complete withdrawal from one's usual activities. And just a taste of it is enough to show how limited our interpretations of reality are, even in our moments of joy and triumph. There is something much bigger.
Whatever depends on conditions will pass, and I find it very interesting and invigorating to get a sense of what's beyond dwelling on conditions.
EarlyandLate
Recycles dryer sheets
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2022
- Messages
- 227
Scuba and others, Thank you for sharing these intimate thoughts. I too have sometimes been hit hard by some friend's untimely death or extreme suffering of a loved one. There are two things that I try to keep in mind. As I go through my days and some pleasure or satisfaction at an accomplishment comes my way, I mentally share it with those already gone. A part of me now lives for them. Just the enjoyment of a stunning Fall day like today can be shared through remembrance of someone who would have really enjoyed it too.
I also find comfort in the fact that once I am gone, the world will continue to turn for a very long time. Seasons will come and go and people will experience the joy of new life, love, or achievement. It won't stop just because I'm gone and just perhaps, something I've done while living will make a few lives better in the future.
I also find comfort in the fact that once I am gone, the world will continue to turn for a very long time. Seasons will come and go and people will experience the joy of new life, love, or achievement. It won't stop just because I'm gone and just perhaps, something I've done while living will make a few lives better in the future.
jollystomper
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Apr 16, 2012
- Messages
- 6,214
I learned from a young age that tomorrow is not guaranteed. Too many people I know whom I saw one day and seemed fine, and were gone the next (or even later that day). I saw enough violence and death at a young age to think, back then, that if I made it out of my teen years I would be lucky. Even after college, within 5 years of graduation I had lost several good friends I made there, including one of my roommates.
So my perspective for a long time is to be grateful for every day that I have. I am blessed to have made it so far, every day is gravy as far as I am concerned. In addition, I have had 2 health issues that, had they not been detected early, were high odds to have given me a chronic illness and probably shortened my life.
My parents also gave me a good perspective on death. It was not a subject they kept away from, and they discussed it with us kids many times. Both had illnesses before their death - but both were thankful though those illnesses. I still remember my Dad smiling in his terminal cancer and saying how blessed he was that his children would outlive him, so many of his friends had lost at least one child. I remember my mom feeling blessed that she lived long enough to see the grandchildren that were born just before or after my Dad died graduate from high school and start college.
DW and I go to college reunions, and the "remembrance" ceremony, where names of dead classmates are read, gets longer at a greater rate at every reunion. We accept that, and with gallows humor know that one names will one day be part of that ceremony.
One of my big efforts is not leaving a mess when I go for DW and/or our kids to clean up. So things like wills, directives, where things are located, etc. are all taken care of. I also minimize buying a lot of stuff, as at my age I have to consider "what happens to it once I am gone?"
The point about stressing out about little things is a good one. That is one reason I do not have "pet peeves". Why waste the relatively little time I with those things, instead of enjoying the many "happy moments" I have while I can?
I enjoy all the discussions about when to take SS, CDs vs Treasuries vs Corporate Bonds, the best AA, the best SWR, Roth conversions, RMDs, etc. But I do sit back and smile and stay thankful for problems like these
.
So my perspective for a long time is to be grateful for every day that I have. I am blessed to have made it so far, every day is gravy as far as I am concerned. In addition, I have had 2 health issues that, had they not been detected early, were high odds to have given me a chronic illness and probably shortened my life.
My parents also gave me a good perspective on death. It was not a subject they kept away from, and they discussed it with us kids many times. Both had illnesses before their death - but both were thankful though those illnesses. I still remember my Dad smiling in his terminal cancer and saying how blessed he was that his children would outlive him, so many of his friends had lost at least one child. I remember my mom feeling blessed that she lived long enough to see the grandchildren that were born just before or after my Dad died graduate from high school and start college.
DW and I go to college reunions, and the "remembrance" ceremony, where names of dead classmates are read, gets longer at a greater rate at every reunion. We accept that, and with gallows humor know that one names will one day be part of that ceremony.
One of my big efforts is not leaving a mess when I go for DW and/or our kids to clean up. So things like wills, directives, where things are located, etc. are all taken care of. I also minimize buying a lot of stuff, as at my age I have to consider "what happens to it once I am gone?"
The point about stressing out about little things is a good one. That is one reason I do not have "pet peeves". Why waste the relatively little time I with those things, instead of enjoying the many "happy moments" I have while I can?
I enjoy all the discussions about when to take SS, CDs vs Treasuries vs Corporate Bonds, the best AA, the best SWR, Roth conversions, RMDs, etc. But I do sit back and smile and stay thankful for problems like these
.
Teacher Terry
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2014
- Messages
- 7,127
I have lost 8 friends between the ages of 59-71 and my best friend’s 19 year old daughter. 8 dogs have passed during that time. My oldest son turned 50 and one of his friends that’s an athlete passed. It really shook him up. At 69 I probably have 20 years at most. Since semi retirement 11 years ago I have went to all the places on my list. I will still vacation but the must sees are done.
I have helped many friends stay out of nursing homes for a few years as well as family. It’s occurred to me that I can no longer be so generous with my time because it’s ticking away. Like everyone else I find it depressing at times. All we can do is accept it. When my mom was 84 I asked her how it felt to be at the end of her life and she said she tried not to think about and just enjoy what’s left.
I have helped many friends stay out of nursing homes for a few years as well as family. It’s occurred to me that I can no longer be so generous with my time because it’s ticking away. Like everyone else I find it depressing at times. All we can do is accept it. When my mom was 84 I asked her how it felt to be at the end of her life and she said she tried not to think about and just enjoy what’s left.
lucky penny
Full time employment: Posting here.
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2010
- Messages
- 735
I recently read a book that spoke to me about this subject: And Finally: Matters of Life and Death by Henry Marsh. The author is a British neurosurgeon whose book Do No Harm was a best-seller a few years ago. He writes, from his own perspective, about aging, retirement, longevity, his fear of dementia, assisted suicide, & the shock of an unexpected health diagnosis (after waiting too long to visit a doctor). Despite the fraught topics, I found the book not depressing at all, but an upbeat, comforting, common-sense meditation about life & what truly matters. Essentially he feels, in his early 70s, that he’s lived a full life, a wonderful, fortunate life, & he’s spending time doing things that bring him joy (building a dollhouse for his grandchildren) & not wasting time being regretful or depressed about whatever might lie ahead.
It’s helped me a lot.
It’s helped me a lot.
Last edited:
Ronstar
Moderator Emeritus
Just went to our 50th class reunion last week. Found out that 20% of our class have died. 2 of my friends/ classmates in the last 3 months. 2 more living with cancer now. A few more with heart issues. A solemn reminder to live every day to the fullest.
Dtail
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
DGF and I have been incredibly lucky as to not have experienced any deaths of friends.
Lost my father last year though.
We stay in the present every day and playing Pickleball daily does truly help.
Lost my father last year though.
We stay in the present every day and playing Pickleball daily does truly help.
Tadpole
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- Jul 9, 2004
- Messages
- 1,437
I get it. Between December 2021 and July 2022, I lost my dog, my only sibling and my husband. I don't think I have been depressed so much as extremely lonely. I wish I had good suggestions for both of us, but I don't.
- Joined
- Jul 1, 2017
- Messages
- 5,892
I can just speak for myself.
When I care for someone, if they are ill or pass, I grieve/ mourn with and/or for them. Both happiness and sadness are part of the life experience for most of us. Time softens the pain, brings acceptance of the loss, and eventually (I can) remember the happy times without the grief. I think of time (moments) as precious jewels to be appreciated. I understand that my time will come as well but don't want to trespass upon today worrying (too much about) tomorrow.
When I care for someone, if they are ill or pass, I grieve/ mourn with and/or for them. Both happiness and sadness are part of the life experience for most of us. Time softens the pain, brings acceptance of the loss, and eventually (I can) remember the happy times without the grief. I think of time (moments) as precious jewels to be appreciated. I understand that my time will come as well but don't want to trespass upon today worrying (too much about) tomorrow.
GlitterGirl
Confused about dryer sheets
I am a retired hospice RN so I’ve seen a lot of death and thought I was realistic about it. Hubby is quite a bit older than me with family history of cardiovascular disease so we both were resigned to expecting that he would depart this earth before me. But a couple of months ago I developed sepsis two weeks after a big surgery and very nearly died. A hospital doc confided in me at discharge that he didn’t think I would make it and I thought that too. At 69 I feel suddenly so grateful to still be alive and I realized that I will die with a lot of money whether I die tomorrow or twenty years from now. Which is fine except when I tell myself I “shouldn’t” indulge a whim or that something is “too expensive”. I am really, really aware now that life is short and we aren’t putting off anything.
Scuba, if you can, use these sad situations to remind yourself to live as fully as you can. Best wishes…
Scuba, if you can, use these sad situations to remind yourself to live as fully as you can. Best wishes…
ls99
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- May 2, 2008
- Messages
- 6,513
Fact, no one gets to live forever. At my age, almost 76, all friends have died, as did DW, the hard charging macho dudes ones went first.
Carrying on. I go dancing, kayaking, skating. And take a silence break for belly button contemplation at my camp. Have several people I meet fairly routinely at coffe shop, dance hall, skating rink. Friendly banter, at times great long conversation about whatever happens to be of interest to us at the moment. Not close friends.
The longer I live, the longer the list of dead people I knew. No use getting cranky about it. It is a really good thing to like one's own company.Me Being INTP-A is a plus. Thus I am always with great copany.
Oh yeah, curently auditing a French class at local college. Am roughly three+ times older than classmates, twice as old as the professer. It is great fun to observe the kids in the class, endless amusement. The cost to me, $5.- as an auditing old fart. Am thinking at the end of semester I should ask the professer, just what do you profess?
Carrying on. I go dancing, kayaking, skating. And take a silence break for belly button contemplation at my camp. Have several people I meet fairly routinely at coffe shop, dance hall, skating rink. Friendly banter, at times great long conversation about whatever happens to be of interest to us at the moment. Not close friends.
The longer I live, the longer the list of dead people I knew. No use getting cranky about it. It is a really good thing to like one's own company.Me Being INTP-A is a plus. Thus I am always with great copany.
Oh yeah, curently auditing a French class at local college. Am roughly three+ times older than classmates, twice as old as the professer. It is great fun to observe the kids in the class, endless amusement. The cost to me, $5.- as an auditing old fart. Am thinking at the end of semester I should ask the professer, just what do you profess?
Last edited:
brett
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 5,926
My spouse is also a retired RN and a years long hospice volunteer. Same age and someone who went through a life threatening neuro issue/surgery 2.5 years ago.
Her outlook is the same. Be thankful for what you have. Live for today, get busy doing those things that you want to do or accomplish because you simply do not know how many sunrises you have left.
She leaves later this week to see her younger sister who has inoperable brain cancer.
Don't waste what is left of your life feeling sorry for yourself or dwelling on the whatifs of the past. Move forward.
And if you are in any doubt of how fortunate your really are.....visit a hospice facility.
Last edited:
steady saver
Recycles dryer sheets
- Joined
- Apr 10, 2013
- Messages
- 498
Thank you. I'm going to check that one out!
steady saver
Recycles dryer sheets
- Joined
- Apr 10, 2013
- Messages
- 498
steady saver
Recycles dryer sheets
- Joined
- Apr 10, 2013
- Messages
- 498
I have found the book, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer helpful. I couldn't get into it years ago, when an older friend gave me a copy. But I picked it up a couple of years ago and I guess the timing was right.
There's a Michael Singer podcast now. They're just recordings of some of the talks he's given. I will say that his voice reminds me of Larry David and I can't listen to him without seeing Larry David (of Curb Your Enthusiasm fame) in my mind, ha.
His teachings basically remind me to get out of my own way...
There's a Michael Singer podcast now. They're just recordings of some of the talks he's given. I will say that his voice reminds me of Larry David and I can't listen to him without seeing Larry David (of Curb Your Enthusiasm fame) in my mind, ha.
His teachings basically remind me to get out of my own way...
I lost my first wife of 30 years to cancer nearly ten years ago.
My kids are 22 and 19, I'm recently divorced, and soon I'll be unarguably in my "mid 60's". Whatever idea I may have had about living a happy life into my golden years shuffling around Disney World with my equally aged spouse has already been blown up.
So, what do I do? Be glad I wake up in morning. That alone qualifies as a "good day". Ignore the tragedies of my friends' early deaths, while knowing that could be me tomorrow. I'm grateful for the life I have had, and the joy and success it has brought me. Yes, sadness along the way. Part of being human. I finally learned to accept that, as has been said above.
I still believe there are interesting things ahead, and I'll be looking for them as long as I am able. "Keep moving" as I remind my 86 y.o. mother.
My kids are 22 and 19, I'm recently divorced, and soon I'll be unarguably in my "mid 60's". Whatever idea I may have had about living a happy life into my golden years shuffling around Disney World with my equally aged spouse has already been blown up.
So, what do I do? Be glad I wake up in morning. That alone qualifies as a "good day". Ignore the tragedies of my friends' early deaths, while knowing that could be me tomorrow. I'm grateful for the life I have had, and the joy and success it has brought me. Yes, sadness along the way. Part of being human. I finally learned to accept that, as has been said above.
I still believe there are interesting things ahead, and I'll be looking for them as long as I am able. "Keep moving" as I remind my 86 y.o. mother.
street
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Nov 30, 2016
- Messages
- 9,613
I guess I don't get depressed about it and really nothing I can do but live as healthy as possible.
So much more to life than the disputes about when to take SS, how to reduce taxes or doing a plan for the greatest return. All that is secondary to me when you think of life itself.
Less stress not worrying about financing and just live life each day. So, many deaths I have witnessed of people I knew, I'm just thankful for each day.
I know I could do better with my investments and a better job elimating some taxes but
So much more to life than the disputes about when to take SS, how to reduce taxes or doing a plan for the greatest return. All that is secondary to me when you think of life itself.
Less stress not worrying about financing and just live life each day. So, many deaths I have witnessed of people I knew, I'm just thankful for each day.
I know I could do better with my investments and a better job elimating some taxes but
skyking1
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
when the losses get me down, lately I remind myself of the alternative. Would it be better if I never knew my sister or brother or friend? It helps me reset a bit, and be thankful about the times and laughs we did have.
Koolau
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
We rarely speak of "faith" or "spirituality" here as it tends toward discussions of "religion" which is verboten. But some of us believe that this isn't "all there is." That helps a lot.
We all experience loss, health decline and death. Not much we can do about it but change our attitudes about it. I fear pain/illness much more than death. I don't think a lot about any of it - except as I watch my cancer scans, feel my back pain and see my good friends pass away.
As Jimmy Buffet sang "... still 24 hours/maybe 60 good years/it's really not that long a stay."
We all experience loss, health decline and death. Not much we can do about it but change our attitudes about it. I fear pain/illness much more than death. I don't think a lot about any of it - except as I watch my cancer scans, feel my back pain and see my good friends pass away.
As Jimmy Buffet sang "... still 24 hours/maybe 60 good years/it's really not that long a stay."
Last edited:
isisdave
Recycles dryer sheets
Just some random thoughts after reading the above ---
DW and I are 72/74. The first shocking illnesses and deaths among contemporaries happened in our 50s. After several of those, our motto became "go-go-go until we can't-can't-can't" and then to migrate to the rocking chair on the porch. We imagined, 20 years ago, "there'll be gigabit Internet and YouTube will have better videos of everywhere we've been and where we haven't, and TV's will be ENORMOUS!"
Well, most of that has played out well.
We retired at 65 in 2015 and commenced "going", until Covid put a halt to that for three years. We bought a trailer and enjoyed that during 2021-2022 (to avoid Covid) until a 90-foot pine tree fell on it at 1am. We're back in Britain as I write, enjoying western Scotland and the Lake District.
We consider ourselves very lucky, especially as DW did not inherit particularly good genes and had breast cancer in 2019, fortunately discovered very early in annual mammogram. We have noticed a bunch of minor stuff since age 70 which eventually might curtail mobility and strength -- will I be able to throw a 40-pound suitcase up four steps into a train carriage next trip? -- Why does going down steps pain my knee so much? -- and that sort of thing. Her sister, much more of a athlete, two years younger and 25% lighter, reports the same. YMMV, but do the "moving" part ASAP.
We both guess she'll die first, based only on family history, and the biggest consequence of that will be my loneliness. If the opposite happens, she'll have to pay attention to technology a lot more, because she loves it but it hates her, so I still have to fix any non-connection or technical issues on phone, tablet, computer, and I'm sure soon, on kitchen appliances and even the doorbell. Of course, either of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow, as has always been the case, but we still feel about 30 inside our heads.
So we subscribe too to the "live for now, keep going, pay attention to your health but don't let it run your life" school of thought.
Thanks for the opportunity to share. My posts are always twice as long as I intended. Apologies.
DW and I are 72/74. The first shocking illnesses and deaths among contemporaries happened in our 50s. After several of those, our motto became "go-go-go until we can't-can't-can't" and then to migrate to the rocking chair on the porch. We imagined, 20 years ago, "there'll be gigabit Internet and YouTube will have better videos of everywhere we've been and where we haven't, and TV's will be ENORMOUS!"
Well, most of that has played out well.
We retired at 65 in 2015 and commenced "going", until Covid put a halt to that for three years. We bought a trailer and enjoyed that during 2021-2022 (to avoid Covid) until a 90-foot pine tree fell on it at 1am. We're back in Britain as I write, enjoying western Scotland and the Lake District.
We consider ourselves very lucky, especially as DW did not inherit particularly good genes and had breast cancer in 2019, fortunately discovered very early in annual mammogram. We have noticed a bunch of minor stuff since age 70 which eventually might curtail mobility and strength -- will I be able to throw a 40-pound suitcase up four steps into a train carriage next trip? -- Why does going down steps pain my knee so much? -- and that sort of thing. Her sister, much more of a athlete, two years younger and 25% lighter, reports the same. YMMV, but do the "moving" part ASAP.
We both guess she'll die first, based only on family history, and the biggest consequence of that will be my loneliness. If the opposite happens, she'll have to pay attention to technology a lot more, because she loves it but it hates her, so I still have to fix any non-connection or technical issues on phone, tablet, computer, and I'm sure soon, on kitchen appliances and even the doorbell. Of course, either of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow, as has always been the case, but we still feel about 30 inside our heads.
So we subscribe too to the "live for now, keep going, pay attention to your health but don't let it run your life" school of thought.
Thanks for the opportunity to share. My posts are always twice as long as I intended. Apologies.
