moving to a new city/state...

[steady saver]

I read CoCheesehead's post yesterday in his response to the "3 years into retirement" thread. Thank you, COCheesehead for your thoughts. I'm going to copy it here and then go on with my question...

"The social part so far has been easy. We even moved to a new town in retirement. We likely have more friends here than the town we lived in for 30 years. My wife says I can make friends on elevators between floors.

We are active and invite folks to join us on hikes, to see a concert or just go to dinner.
We belong to clubs.
We volunteer.
I have a part time job.
We have friends over.
It all helps."

Thank you COcheesehead for your post. My DH and I have tossed around the idea of moving to a new city and perhaps different state. We currently live inner city in a huge metroplex and also have a farm almost 2 hours away. We thought we'd want to move to the farm post retirement but it'll be 3 years retired this October and neither of us is sure that is a good idea for a variety of reasons.

We would love a walkable, vibrant city and a smallish home with a large yard. One thing that has held us back is starting all over with friends and life long social contacts.

We are in hotter-than-hell Texas but I don't see myself moving anywhere that has a long or harsh winter season. My body and psyche don't know how to handle that anymore. And it doesn't want to! Still I'd be willing to make the move and start making new connections. We are anticipating a possible chronic and debilitating health issue for DH and so I know that community and friendships are going to be crucial. But boy we often find ourselves dreaming of a less congested, easier to navigate and perhaps even safer city. Obviously this is a decision that needs to be made sooner than later should we decide to do so. We are both 60.

It's encouraging to read your post, COcheesehead. I'd be interested in hearing from others who have made similar moves.

 

[DuluthGA]

We moved about 30 miles last year, about one year into retirement, from our home of 27 years. Our new home is a little more rural and property taxes are much better. In a 55+ community we’ve made lots of new friends and are working on a few that could be good friends (ie that we could travel with). The short move allowed us to keep a couple of doctors as well as occasionally meeting up with friends from there. Volunteering weekly has also helped make new friends. Surprisingly we’ve not made any at the church we now attend. They are a “contemporary style” and don’t have adult small groups (Sunday School) on Sunday which is our preference.

 

[steady saver]

The move 30 miles away is one way to deal with some of those concerns. Thanks for your input.

 

[savory]

We have moved many times. Sometimes for work but the last few times was our living arrangements which centered around our children. These moves have taken us to smaller rural towns and now to a large city where we bus, walk, & bike everywhere.

CoCheesheads advice is right on. Perhaps I agree as I have some cheesehead time as well.

We get active in many things. We reach out to friends/relatives to find out if they have friends/family in the area. Then we reach out to them. We end up meeting people by coincidence (A person we know lives right down the street, for example. That was a FB find).

We are not shy and invite people over. Not all of the contacts workout. And most don't become close. But many do. In some ways, you need to think about it as a job. You do need to work at it and measure your success by your friendship circle and your happiness.

In 8 months in our new location, we have built a fairly good network. We are invited to peoples homes for meals. We have gone out with new friends. DW has entered a new sport where she is meeting new people. I have a solid Pickelball group and just today I went to play pick-up and knew everyone on the court.

It takes some effort but even that can be fun. Good luck if you try it!

 

[COcheesehead]

It’s also amazing what a bottle or two of wine shared between strangers can do.

Making friends is a lot like dating, at some point you need to take risk. Some work, some don’t. The ones that don’t, we’re never meant to be.

 

[sparky08]

We moved to a small mountain town a few years ago. About 6K people, but there are several similarly sized towns close by.

Advantages: Low crime, lots of walking/biking trails. A fancy meal is a half hour away in the resort towns. We don't seek out a lot of cultural things, but the New York Philharmonic and Philidelphia Orchestra spend a few weeks here in the summer. Out town has it's own concert series, free in the park, weekly in summer.

Disadvantages: Our town doesn't have a lot of choices for restaurants, cell coverage can be spotty, and you have to go a ways for medical specialists.

I was surprised how easy it was to make new friends. We volunteer at a few places, and have made friends doing the activities that we enjoy. Actually, 'starting all over' has been kind of enjoyable.

We're just turning 60, and I think it will be fine for the next decade or so.

But, as far as I know, no pickelball.

 

[38Chevy454]

DW and I moved approx 1500 miles soon as we retired. In fact left the old state the exact last day of my employment. We moved to be close to DW's family. But we have made new friends here in addition to family that is nearby. It takes a little time, but if you never try then you'll never meet new friends.

I have said before, you have to be a friend to make a friend. As stated previously, that means getting out and taking some risks. Meeting new people, doing new activities, inviting people over or hanging out with them.

What living conditions make you happy? I can't live in high density urban areas in apartments or similar myself, I prefer being out in the country with my single family home and big detached garage. But what works for me is not for everyone. Evaluate your plans and what type housing fits that plan. Moving gives the opportunity to change your housing.

 

[Katsmeow]

We just a few weeks ago moved from Texas to Delaware. We had made move within Texas from the Houston area to the DFW area previously. That was not a very difficult move as we both at some family in the area and were closer to others. Also, I had a very close friend in the area that had been long distance before.

Moving to Delaware was a much bigger change obviously. We moved here knowing no one. Right now, I know my landlord (married couple) and my real estate agent. Of course, we have only been here a few weeks.

But, we are honestly not that worried about us. Before I moved I would spend one afternoon a week with my close friend. We would go out to lunch and then just visit and talk for a few hours. Well, now, that I've moved we don't go out to lunch but we still have the talks (the one day a week one that lasts 2 to 3 hours plus some shorter calls or texts during the week).

We have found that so far people are friendly. We looked around to find a house in an area we liked (just went under contract to buy). We used to be bridge players, but got away from it when we had kids. Well, now that they are all adult and we are retired we hope to get back to it. I've already looked up the bridge clubs in Delaware but the ones closer to us in PA. We hope that will give us some people to meet.

I remember something Midpack posted awhile ago about coming to a new area and how to meet people. To basically go to any social or other groups you can find. Most won't pan out but maybe they will. That sounded like a good idea. DH and I are both fairly introverted and don't need a lot of in person social stuff.

I can still have contact with people in Texas. I talked with one of my kids for over an hour yesterday. Planes exist. Several people have expressed a desire to visit since there is a lot to do in this area.

 

[Midpack]

It’s also amazing what a bottle or two of wine shared between strangers can do.

Making friends is a lot like dating, at some point you need to take risk. Some work, some don’t. The ones that don’t, we’re never meant to be.

It’s really that simple. What’s the worst thing that can happen when you put yourself out there with someone new? A rejection by someone you don’t know, so what. If 9 out of 10 don’t pan out, you keep taking a risk for 100 - then you have 10 new friends. And we made it a point to join everything of any interest. If we don’t like it, on to the next. It’s not as hard as people think - just do it!

 

[djsander]

We moved to another state after we retired. We lived in the southern part of this state many years past, but this area we hadn’t been to in 25 years and knew nobody. We’ve made friends in our neighborhood. We are active with our hobbies at the local senior center and have made friends that we go out with, have over etc. We joined a church that has a lot of outings and activities and it is mostly seniors including the pastor who is on his second career now as a pastor. Make a list of what you are looking for, Research some areas and visit them. See which places have activities and groups that your interested in and what best meets your needs. We jumped into it and have been fortunate in meeting a lot of really nice people and have to schedule time off!

 

[Souschef]

I only moved 50 miles, but it was from the San Fernando Valley with almost 2 million people to a small town in Ventura County with 30,000 people.
First, it got me out of LA City where 3 councilmen have been recently indicted,
Second, it got me out of a "Concrete Canyon" to a much greener area. I was a mile from a small airport I flew out of, 10 miles from the beach, and 10 miles from a rail yard where I was restoring a switch engine.
After living ther for 15 years in a +55 MHP, it was time for a change. We moved to an apartment right on the beach and absolutely love it.

 

[Scuba]

Three years after we retired, we moved from Coastal So CA to Palm Springs, about a 2 hour drive away. This move was pretty ideal from a friendships standpoint. Because it is such an easy drive to go to LA or OC, and people enjoy visiting us and having us visit them, we’ve been able to keep our long-term friendships pretty stable while also meeting many new friends in Palm Springs.

We are now considering a major cross country move. If we do it, it will be a much bigger challenge to stay close to our CA friends. I’m thinking that we will need to make the effort and trek out west and rent an Airbnb for several weeks to see everyone. Of course we would invite our close friends to come visit us. Some may come, but many probably won’t be anxious to jump on a plane and fly across the US to visit. Especially our friends who still work and like to take their vacations to exotic destinations. Maybe we will travel with some of them. Time will tell.

 

[steady saver]

I can't thank each of you enough for your responses. Wow, just wow. Thank you. I do agree with the idea that making new social connections could be looked at as a "job" for a while and that makes sense. I love meeting new people and I'd anticipate doing alot of that in somewhat structured ways like classes, organizations, etc. We are both homebodies so the challenge in giving up our home of 27 years and farm of 16 years is a big stretch for us. They each have qualities we love but I can see the handwriting on the wall if possible anticipated medical issues enter the picture - we'll have to give up the farm anyway and the city home, while very close to top notch medical facilities is also just a super dense city. Great people but horrible traffic and fairly high crime (the bank robbery I read about on Next Door today is only a mile or so from my house...and this is not an unusual event). I'm just thinking if we could combine what we love about both places then maybe we'd better served. In the meantime I have been decluttering an already fairly decluttered house...

 

[steady saver]

We just a few weeks ago moved from Texas to Delaware. We had made move within Texas from the Houston area to the DFW area previously. That was not a very difficult move as we both at some family in the area and were closer to others. Also, I had a very close friend in the area that had been long distance before.

Moving to Delaware was a much bigger change obviously. We moved here knowing no one. Right now, I know my landlord (married couple) and my real estate agent. Of course, we have only been here a few weeks....

Katsmeow - From Texas to Delaware? Wow, what was the pull for you? I ask because I grew up in Arkansas and Oklahoma and moved to Delaware (Wilmington) for just 18 months when I was in grade school. It was my most favorite place I ever lived. The schools were fabulous and creative, we lived in a new development with a creek across the street and woods behind us. It was magical. I'm afraid it might be too cold for me now, but oh my goodness what fond memories I have of that area.

 

[Katsmeow]

Katsmeow - From Texas to Delaware? Wow, what was the pull for you? I ask because I grew up in Arkansas and Oklahoma and moved to Delaware (Wilmington) for just 18 months when I was in grade school. It was my most favorite place I ever lived. The schools were fabulous and creative, we lived in a new development with a creek across the street and woods behind us. It was magical. I'm afraid it might be too cold for me now, but oh my goodness what fond memories I have of that area.

That is a good question about the pull. First, we had the "push" when we decided to leave Texas. But, what was the pull for a new place. We had some basic criteria that any place had to have. We wanted it more retiree tax friendly than Texas, particularly lower property taxes. We wanted lesser disaster risk. So that ruled out a bunch of places.

Weather needed to be cooler in the summer than Texas but not too cold in the winter. I looked closely at northern Delaware and how its weather is and decided it would be OK. I've had more than one person since I got here tell me how they really don't often have very serious snow (which I didn't want).

I also wanted a state that was more compatible with my personal beliefs, where I was swimming against the tide. And proximity to good healthcare was very important to us.

Still all of that left a number of states. Some of which I am sure would have been fine. But, what pulled me specifically to Delaware? Basically it was the proximity to so many interesting places. Philadelphia is just right there. I can hop on a train and go to New York or DC. We can drive around and go visit a lot of places that are of historic interest which we would like. I also wanted some place that was a bit more scenic than DFW or Houston.

One of the things I like about the area where we are under contract is that the neighborhood is just so pretty. We've driven to Pennsylvania a couple of times and that is just pretty to look at. I just feel this is a place where we can go to a lot of places and never get bored. I don't really like long, elaborate vacations. I like that we can go on short trips to places.

 

[steady saver]

Scuba - I admire your adventuresomeness.

Souschef - Gosh, I admire your willingness and flexibility for change too. And what a view you have!

djsander - good suggestions, especially the list making part. I "think" I know in my head what I want, but writing it out (both DH and I making our own list) is a great idea.

Midpack - I agree. I figure that to cast a wide net will reap some interesting interactions and a few good friends. I remember reading research that said that people really can't manage more than 5 important and time demanding relationships in their lives anyway. I don't need a lot of close friends but I do love having lots of casual acquaintances.

38Chevy454 - What living conditions make me happy? That's the thing...I like a lot of different types of places. I LOVE the country for the natural beauty but for long term if feels a bit disconnected. So I do need natural beauty. I love cities for all that they offer (I love a really good grocery store, I love coffee shops and bookstores and parks and lectures and gardens and good libraries) but I love smaller towns or smaller cities for easy parking and lower stress...I will keep making that list. I think a smaller city might be the best of all worlds perhaps.

Sparky08 - your walking/bike trails and slower pace sound nice. I can forego lots of restaurant choices since we enjoy cooking but it's still nice to have the option. I really love a coffee shop to go to.

Savory - I'd love to learn to play pickleball! It's been on my list for a while...

COCheesehead - thank you for your comment on the other thread. See what it started?

Many thanks to you all.

 

[steady saver]

That is a good question about the pull. First, we had the "push" when we decided to leave Texas. But, what was the pull for a new place. We had some basic criteria that any place had to have. We wanted it more retiree tax friendly than Texas, particularly lower property taxes. We wanted lesser disaster risk. So that ruled out a bunch of places.

Weather needed to be cooler in the summer than Texas but not too cold in the winter. I looked closely at northern Delaware and how its weather is and decided it would be OK. I've had more than one person since I got here tell me how they really don't often have very serious snow (which I didn't want).

I also wanted a state that was more compatible with my personal beliefs, where I was swimming against the tide. And proximity to good healthcare was very important to us.

Still all of that left a number of states. Some of which I am sure would have been fine. But, what pulled me specifically to Delaware? Basically it was the proximity to so many interesting places. Philadelphia is just right there. I can hop on a train and go to New York or DC. We can drive around and go visit a lot of places that are of historic interest which we would like. I also wanted some place that was a bit more scenic than DFW or Houston.

One of the things I like about the area where we are under contract is that the neighborhood is just so pretty. We've driven to Pennsylvania a couple of times and that is just pretty to look at. I just feel this is a place where we can go to a lot of places and never get bored. I don't really like long, elaborate vacations. I like that we can go on short trips to places.

Thank you for your response. I honestly had never considered going back to cold country again - I have a penchant for the South but to this day I'll tell anyone that Wilmington holds my happiest childhood memories. Going to DC, to Pennsylvania and experiencing the Amish, Ocean City, NJ...it was just ideal. And we do find ourselves swimming against the tide at the farm. It is one of the main reasons we don't know that it would work long term. Thanks and I hope it continues to be a great move for you.

 

[Katsmeow]

Thank you for your response. I honestly had never considered going back to cold country again - I have a penchant for the South but to this day I'll tell anyone that Wilmington holds my happiest childhood memories. Going to DC, to Pennsylvania and experiencing the Amish, Ocean City, NJ...it was just ideal.

If you are worried about the cold in one of those areas, maybe try taking a trip in the winter and seeing how it suits you. What helped me was realizing that there are degrees of cold. I was willing to do Delaware but not, say, Buffalo or Minnesota.

 

[steady saver]

Katsmeow - I remember the winter we lived there, the neighbors told us it was "unusually cold and snowy." As a kid, I loved it. And while I love the South and Southerners, the folks in Delaware were some of the friendliest I'd ever met.

Just told my DH that we ought to take a trip down memory lane to Delaware. He's game.

 

[Koolau]

Told here many times, we moved from the frozen tundra of the midwest, 5000 miles to Hawaii. Our biggest touch-stone for connectedness was our church. We "shopped" a while for it and it has been wonderful regarding meeting new people and becoming "accepted" in a land that is outwardly friendly but inwardly stand-offish. (Oh and the weather is second to none IMHO though YMMV.)

 

[Ronstar]

We've considered moving to a new city and state. But our new place criteria will make it next to impossible to find the right place. And my criteria is the polar opposite of DW's.

I was recently talking to a realtor about a 5 acre parcel he had listed. Parcel had a couple of issues that I didn't like (on a gravel lane). And I told the realtor that I had a minor hurdle to jump before I could buy the place - that DW doesn't want to live there. He said that was the biggest hurdle of all.

 

[Teacher Terry]

In the past 50 years I have moved 30 times and lived in 5 states. In both Texas and Kansas it was difficult to find my tribe. Plus my allergies were awful and I hated the weather. 26 years ago I moved to Reno for my career and love it here. I would never move. I love the mild 4 seasons and one son lives here. I have many close friends.

It takes time to develop deep friendships and maybe because I have moved and started over so many times that I have no interest in doing it again. It’s definitely easier to move as a couple because it’s not as lonely before you make friends.

 

[walkinwood]

meetup.com is a great resource to meet new people who share similar interests. Helped us make friends in a new city.

 

[Scuba]

We just visited north GA to see DH’s family. In the past, we’ve only visited the town DH grew up in. Neither DH nor I particularly like that town. Although the natural surroundings are pretty, the town itself doesn’t do it for us.

This time we went to NE GA to visit extended family. It is gorgeous! Made me wish we were much younger and were ok with chilly winters. Our nephew in law and our niece are living in a small family home on a gorgeous 40 acre parcel of land in the country. I’ve never lived in the country but used to have a fantasy of retiring and having lots of dogs and goats on our land. Realistically though, the rural lifestyle doesn’t go well with the traveling we like to do. Can’t really leave a pack of dogs and herd of goats alone very long, plus at this point we’d rather have warm beaches and no nights below 50. Oh well. At least we have a choice!

 

[rwdflynavy]

We moved from DC area to Roanoke Virginia, which is in the mountains of central to southwest Virginia.

My wife is from Roanoke originally and her mom passed 2 years after we arrived. She and I have reconnected with friends from her high school and attend a local church that is a great fit for us. We are both graduates of Virginia Tech which is about 45 minutes away, so great opportunities for sporting events etc.

I volunteer at a local museum and food bank and work a couple of part time jobs for fun money and to avoid touching our investments for a few more years. We live on my military pension and VA disability.

There are very few things we miss about the DC area and it is a 4 hour drive if we want to visit.