Death and Social Media

[USA]

I can’t help but to find/see this as unfortunate, when a death is notified by social media. When my Dad passed in 2016, I was by his side, I called my DB. His
Wife posted an RIP on Facebook and it was immediately read by Grandsons before his body was even taken to the mortuary. WTH? I got over it and moved on. Fast forward to last weekend, a DF dies. I go thru “hell & high water “ to obtain contact #s (all contacts are prior or current law enforcement and buried deep socially) only to later find out the person I wanted to notify was retired and already knew from Facebook. Has anyone else on the forum encountered this? Sign me as an “old dog trying to learn acceptable new tricks”. I think the value and emotion of a life ended much greater than this. Any thoughts?

 

[marko]

Sad IMO but it's the new reality I'm afraid.

I heard that when Lincoln was assassinated it took two weeks for all of the country to learn it.

But time marches on and I wonder what the next new thing will outpace FB/Twitter.

 

[athena53]

There was a discussion on this on another board- same issue. One person who's been informed posts an RIP on FB before other key people have been informed personally.

With DH it wasn't much of a problem. His son was on FB, daughter was not, brother was not, SIL was. I called them all and then posted on FB. Not that many people to call and no one posted about it al all. It really warmed my heart after I posted about DH how many wonderful notes I received from friends and family all over.

We've also had to deal with bad family news- when Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, one SIL posted that the family had received "more bad news" (her son-in-law's brother had recently committed suicide). My niece called her up and told her "Grandma doesn't want that on FB". She took it down. Two siblings are dealing with cancer diagnoses right now (prognosis for both is pretty good) and we're successfully keeping that off FB too. It's messy, though. All it takes is one person who didn't get the message that it's to be kept off social media.

 

[audreyh1]

I can’t help but to find/see this as unfortunate, when a death is notified by social media. When my Dad passed in 2016, I was by his side, I called my DB. His
Wife posted an RIP on Facebook and it was immediately read by Grandsons before his body was even taken to the mortuary. WTH? I got over it and moved on. Fast forward to last weekend, a DF dies. I go thru “hell & high water “ to obtain contact #s (all contacts are prior or current law enforcement and buried deep socially) only to later find out the person I wanted to notify was retired and already knew from Facebook. Has anyone else on the forum encountered this? Sign me as an “old dog trying to learn acceptable new tricks”. I think the value and emotion of a life ended much greater than this. Any thoughts?

I really wonder about folks whose immediate reaction is to post stuff like this on Facebook ASAP. Can’t even wait for the obituary? Wait a bit then post.

I’m sure your fathers friend really appreciated the personal reaching out regardless of whether he already knew.

We’ve had situations in our neighborhood, which has a private Facebook group, where people have been specifically asked NOT to post about certain ongoing news (usually declining health related). It’s much better that way - people comply.

Facebook invites a user to post about their daily personal experiences and feelings, and many folks take that at face value, opening their lives to the world because they have so many “friends”.

 

[marko]

I really wonder about folks whose immediate reaction is to post stuff like this on Facebook ASAP. Can’t even wait for the obituary? Wait a bit then post.

I’m sure your fathers friend really appreciated the personal reaching out regardless of whether he already knew.

We’ve had situations in our neighborhood, which has a private Facebook group, where people have been specifically asked NOT to post about certain ongoing news (usually declining health related). It’s much better that way - people comply.

Facebook invites a user to post about their daily personal experiences and feelings, and many folks take that atvface value, opening their lives to the world because they have so many “friends”.

My 70 year old SIL is on FB all day. Clueless. She gets all indignant when we tell her not to post things about us.

She sees no problem in telling the entire internet that a family member is on vacation (i.e. house is unattended), is unexpectedly pregnant, dying or whatever.

If you want to share all YOUR personal stuff with the world that's fine but don't tell your friends of friends of friends about ME.

 

[MichaelB]

This is similar to the person who, upon hearing news of someone, immediately begins spreading it, as if there were a reward for being a herald or the bearer of bad news. Facebook is an enabler, Twitter is worse.

I don’t mind using FB to learn of someone’s passing or bad fortune, as most of my contacts are in other countries and this is the only way we stay in touch. Agree with Audrey, they need to wait.

 

[joeea]

I can’t help but to find/see this as unfortunate, when a death is notified by social media. When my Dad passed in 2016, I was by his side, I called my DB. His wife posted an RIP on Facebook and it was immediately read by Grandsons before his body was even taken to the mortuary. WTH? I got over it and moved on.

What was there to get over? Why do you care how grandchildren are notified of a passing as long as they are notified?

Did you tell DB "please don't tell anyone else until I...", and he defied your wishes?

I think the value and emotion of a life ended much greater than this. Any thoughts?

I'm struggling to understand your point.

You were there. Others weren't. I assume you agree they should be notified, but you had a different mechanism in mind?

If Facebook was bad, would a phone call be okay? An email? A text message?

What would be the proper way to deliver the message to loved ones who would want to know?

 

[Aerides]

Family/those close to the deceased should be notified properly. Yes, that means in person, or a phone call. Not a text, not a tweet, not a facebook post.

But with the exception of sudden/accidental death, if you're not close enough to know they are ailing and soon to pass, then you're not close enough for that phone call.

Friends? the outer circle? Eh. Yes, in 2018 that is how it works. That is how we find out about a lot of friends that we don't see regularly. It's a convenient way to let the wider circles know. Who even answers the phone anyway?

But I do agree anyone rushing off to post RIP messages is a bit... off. "ooh this is news I'll get lots of likes!"....

 

[ivinsfan]

What was there to get over? Why do you care how grandchildren are notified of a passing as long as they are notified?

Did you tell DB "please don't tell anyone else until I...", and he defied your wishes?


I'm struggling to understand your point.

You were there. Others weren't. I assume you agree they should be notified, but you had a different mechanism in mind?

If Facebook was bad, would a phone call be okay? An email? A text message?

What would be the proper way to deliver the message to loved ones who would want to know?

You don't understand why someone wouldn't like the death of a close family member posted on FB before the body is even cold?


What we don't know is if the wife of the brother asked her husband if it was OK to share the news publicly or the number of grandsons involved. These details would make a difference. It sounds like a general post went out on FB rather then a private message saying Oh dear Grandpa died.

I would make every effort to contact, siblings or grandkids personally rather then letting them read it with the masses.

The OP should chalk it up to a lack of discussion about how to inform family members. Lesson for the future.

I have many family members in Europe and Facebook Messenger is by far our preferred method of communication. You can do it as a group, don't need to worry about time differences or trying to make 6 or 8 expensive phone calls. But Messenger is PRIVATE...I find some people generically use the term FB when Messenger is a very different option.

 

[Nemo2]

DW has a more personal approach for my demise......she's got flyers printed, and ready to go into mailboxes, that say "Hey, you know that guy that used to......"

 

[RunningBum]

Close family, yes, I get that. Seems like you shouldn't have to tell other family members not to post it until you've had a chance to contact all in the immediate family, though I'd probably say something to them anyway, about who I was contacting by phone, and when or who would put something on social media. But were you a little slow in contacting the others?

A friend, I don't really get. How was it your job to notify people? And if you don't even have the contact info for someone, why are you put out that they found out another way? What if you hadn't been able to get their contact info at all? I'd rather find out via FB than not know at all, and hear a year or two later that someone had passed.

I find learning via FB obit or otherwise thoughtfully written post better than coming across it in a newspaper obit (which, given the decline of newspapers, isn't a very reliable communication method anymore).

 

[RunningBum]

DW has a more personal approach for my demise......she's got flyers printed, and ready to go into mailboxes, that say "Hey, you know that guy that used to......"

Start worrying if she has a date printed on it.

 

[MichaelB]

DW has a more personal approach for my demise......she's got flyers printed, and ready to go into mailboxes, that say "Hey, you know that guy that used to......"

Block Party?

 

[RunningBum]

I'll bet there was a time when a phone call was considered an inappropriate way to inform someone, and it was supposed to be done in person, or maybe by letter if there was a long distance. Times change, methods change. Don't get too upset if others adapt to change faster than you do. Were the grandkids upset about finding out via FB?

 

[skipro33]

Unless the death was unexpected, sudden, I do not see the harm of the son's wife posting of facebook. Either the grandsons were close enough to know their grandfather was at death's door anyways, or they weren't and therefore not that emotionally attached to have been distraught over the news.

If it's a matter of respect for the deceased, that a more 'dignified' traditional way of informing others of the passing, then I don't see that either. Facebook is an accepted form of communication between friends and family, replacing many earlier forms such as letter writing and phone voice calls. I have a total of 11 'friends' on facebook. (My wife, hundreds probably. )
With the facebook posting, no one had to take up their whole day making endless individual calls and dealing with all those reactions to the news. I consider it a kindness for those who are charged with getting the word out. If you want to be offended, that's your choice. If you want to view it as a kindness, that's your choice too.

 

[easysurfer]

My opinion is that social media is a double edged sword. On one hand, there are times when great to "be there" virtually. Other times, social media borderlines on too voyeuristic.

 

[harley]

My 70 year old SIL is on FB all day. Clueless. She gets all indignant when we tell her not to post things about us.

She sees no problem in telling the entire internet that a family member is on vacation (i.e. house is unattended), is unexpectedly pregnant, dying or whatever.

If you want to share all YOUR personal stuff with the world that's fine but don't tell your friends of friends of friends about ME.

The only solution to a situation like this is to stop telling the gossiper anything, and mention to your other friends and relations that you would prefer they not share personal information about you with her. It probably won't work because there seem to be more people who can't wait to talk about things than there are people who understand the desire for privacy, but it's your best shot. Maybe if she ever asks why you aren't sharing personal information anymore you can tell her and it will make a difference. But probably not.

 

[kcowan]

Many people I know log into their deceased spouse's FB page to announce his demise. I am OK with that.

But I also get friend requests from deceased people who are in my address book but were not close enough to be FB friends. Creepy! Same thing happens on LinkedIn.

 

[FIREd]

In a way, posting about someone's death on Facebook or publishing an obituary in the newspaper is not that different. The goal is the same: announcing someone's death to the world. At least, with Facebook, you are targeting people who might care. But it still feels a little strange (like getting fired by text message). I have no doubt that it will become the norm. I would hate to learn of a close relative's passing via Facebook though. The phone seems more appropriate for that.

 

[jollystomper]

For the younger persons, FB and social media has become a way to share their emotions with others. They communicate with their friends much more via social media that through direct means. So sharing the passing of a loved one, not so much to announce but to share their feelings, is to be expected.

When my mother died, All of my siblings and I called her grandkids to to tell them directly via phone. We also said to keep it off of social media for 24 hours so that we could contact as many of Moms other relatives and close friends as possible. After that many of them posted nice tributes to their grandmother, along with some of their favorite pictures they had taken with her.

We did not post details of the services on any social media, and told them not to. We just told folks to contact us or the funeral home making the arrangements. An old habit from growing up in a neighborhood where if you publicized you would be away, your house might get burglarized . It is the same principle as "don't post your vacation pics on FB until after you return from vacation".

 

[Cessna152]

I was a ten year old playing outside when I was joined by a neighbor kid who said to me “I heard your dad died.” It was news to me, so I disputed it. He was correct, though, and my thought at the time was “Geez, nobody tells me anything.” My dad had been battling cancer for some time, so it was not an unexpected outcome, but the communication vector was a tad unusual.

When an inlaw committed suicide, an unexpected death, we got a personal phone call.

In recent years we have learned of deaths of relatives via email, phone, and Facebook.

Death can come in unexpected ways and times, so can news of it. So I have no biases on modes of communication.

 

[athena53]

When my mother died, All of my siblings and I called her grandkids to to tell them directly via phone. We also said to keep it off of social media for 24 hours so that we could contact as many of Moms other relatives and close friends as possible. After that many of them posted nice tributes to their grandmother, along with some of their favorite pictures they had taken with her.

That's a great idea- it sets boundaries immediately but allows people to express their feelings once it's been communicated outside of FB and it's in the open.

Another practice we've agreed on in the family, which everyone has respected, is that no pregnancies get announced on FB till after the first trimester (or whatever boundary the parents set). No one wants to post joyous news as soon as the "plus" sign appears and then have to inform the same group if something goes wrong.

 

[calmloki]

Different times. Ran across this post with the text and a copy of the letter sent in back around 1850 regarding the death of a mother. Also interesting as far as inheritance and executor activities.

https://www.reddit.com/r/history/comments/90rv6s/a_few_days_ago_i_posted_the_text_of_a_letter_sent/

 

[Bestwifeever]

I can see being a little upset if an inlaw (or someone more distant) posts personal family information--as in the OP, the brother (son of the deceased) didn't make the announcement of their father's death on FB, the brother's wife did. Maybe the brother asked her to, but it really isn't "her" news to share, whether on FB or any other method. When DS was born, a nosy friend took it upon herself to break the news to DH's parents, who were at my house waiting for the news from DH. Grrr. No filter.

DH and I try to step way back from acting or speaking for each other on anything to do with each other's immediate family. That policy has served us well.

We have a friend everyone calls the angel of death because she can't wait to let everyone know bad news.

 

[marko]

Now that I think of it when my uncle died he left explicit instructions that no one outside of 4 family members (and one friend) know about it.
"Nobody ever calls on me so they can all go to h*ll!...let them find out about it over time ".
A bit of an eccentric, but he was quite well known so we spent months letting people know afterwards when they'd inquire of his whereabouts.
Five years after his death a reporter came to the house and asked if he was around. I told him no but he could wait outside if he wanted. Then he asked how long he might be....